The cost of an emotion phobic society
The new generations are getting a lot of slack for their conscientiousness around mental health. While in some ways the needle has moved from one end of the continuum to the polar opposite, the growing interest in dialogue is important.
A decade in supporting adults, 16 to, I believe my oldest client was around 95, has taught me some things about how people handle emotions. I find most people fall usually in one of two extremes; those who bury their feelings down and those two who wear their emotions on their sleeves, unable to regulate. Under-regulation and numbing have unintended consequences. Both are results of a society that expects people to deal with their feelings privately and get uncomfortable when they don’t.
Leaving the under-regulation aside for another post, I want to focus on the more common experience, which is the expectation of people to hide their true feelings. We see this every day; and in many situations it make sense, it would not be appropriate for people to scream, cry, express rage etc. with complete strangers. The issue is when we are not taught anything about emotions, we conclude they are either good or bad, right or wrong; and a problem. The self criticism, judgement and hatred for experiencing the fundamental human condition is a result.
Each day when I walk into the office, I am greeted, “hey, how are you”, “fine, how are you?” or some version on that leaves my mouth on most days before I can even process how I truly feel. As a mental health professional working with others in the same field, we have a little more grace and understanding, but still we are busy and don’t necessary want to burden others with our woes. I imagine in other settings, there is even less room for authenticity of emotion to present. Of course there is a time and place for deeper, meaningful conversations to occur, but even in many families psychological and emotional safety have no space. People are expected to “get over it”, “stop being so sensitive” and these messages cause an internal conflict where emotions are suppressed, and maladaptive core beliefs are formed.
When emotions are not felt, they don’t disappear, instead they may present in other ways such as physical symptoms. I often will see people unable to identify feelings. They may say things like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me” and when asked what they are feelings, they say “I don’t know” or give me a cognition “thought” rather than an emotion. A separation from mind and body.
I see therapy as an integration process; helping people connect with all parts of themselves, emotions, thoughts, sensations and behavioural patterns. Change can occur only when we are able to accept where we are and hold the necessary space to truly exist as a human being.
A few notes about emotions
Emotions are the language of the body
Emotions in themselves are not dangerous
Emotions need to be felt, not just thought about
Buried emotions don’t disappear
How do you deal with them? A start would be to try and be with your emotions/sensations, watching them come and go like a wave on the ocean or lake, it rises and falls, left undisturbed it doesn’t keep growing. Sometimes the waves a bigger, sometimes they’re ripples and sometimes the water is calm.
For more support, try reaching out to a trusted friend, family member or professional.